Stories (Updated AUG-18)

Reunion Road Trip

While on the road to our reunion, a classmate and his wife stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the classmate's wife unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the classmate became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the wife got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, our classmate (the old geezer) yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my wallet and credit card."



The Vocabulary Challenge

The children were called upon in class to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher.

The teacher was surprised when Brad, a shy slow learner in the back, finally raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence which included the words “Defeat,” “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.”

The teacher hesitantly and with trepidation called on Brad to recite his sentence. 
Brad stood, thinking for a bit.  
All eyes focused on him, while his classmates awaited his sentence.

Then, smiling, Brad proudly shouted out, “DEFEAT of DEDUCT went over DEFENSE before DETAIL!!!”


Surely, I can't look that old!

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, 'Surely, I can't look that old!'   Well.... You'll love this one.
While sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist, I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50-odd years ago.  Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Montclair High School.

"Yes.  Yes, I did.  I'm a Mountie," he beamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1962.  Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!"  I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.  Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit SOB asked, "What did you teach?"


Montclair High School Class Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions over the last 20+ years without fail.

This anniversary of their class the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, the widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say "Yes" or did she say "No?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No?'"

"Why you silly man, I said, 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"

Children's Sermon

A  priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........ 

The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue. 

On the Beach
A self-Important college freshmen walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the sand why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one”, the student said loud enough for others to hear. “The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon.  We have nuclear energy, cell phones, computers with light speed, satellite TV… and much more.”

After a brief silence, the senior responded.

“You’re right, son.  We didn’t have any of those things when we were young… so we invented them!  Now, you arrogant little ****, what are you doing for the next generation?

The applause on the beach was amazing!

Visit from Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. 

"Ten dollars a pill," answered the son. 
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"


The Doctor's Advice

A man goes to the Doctor, worried about his wife's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The man says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: -I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.

Two weeks later the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

Sick Leave

Brad calls into work one day and says, “Hey, I can’t come to work today, I’m really sick.  Got a headache, a stomach ache and my legs hurt.  I can’t make it into work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Brad, I really need you today.  Usually when I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex.  That makes everything better and I can go to work.  You try that.”

Three hours later Brad calls his boss again.  “I did what you said and I feel great.  I’ll be at work real soon…  By the way, you have a nice house.”

Two Elderly Ladies

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? "

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Who says men don’t remember.

A couple was Christmas shopping.  The mall was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask where he was.

In a quiet voice he said: “Do you remember the jewelers we went to about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace we couldn’t afford, and I told you that one day I would get it for you?”

The wife choked up and started to cry. She said, “Yes, I remember the shop well.”

He replied, “Well, I’m in the pub next door!”


Ding, Dong

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


Young brothers Jeff and Brad were sitting outside a clinic.
Jeff was crying very loudly. “Why are you crying?” Brad asked.
“I came here for a blood test,” Jeff said.
“So? Are you afraid?”
“No,” Jeff sniffled, “but for the blood test, they cut my finger,”
At this, Brad started crying profusely.
“Why are you crying now?” Jeff asked.
Brad said, “I came for a urine test!”


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

The Teacher

A man was in line at the grocery store when a blonde woman behind him smiled.

Although familiar, he couldn't place her. “Sorry, do you know me?” he asked.

“I think you may be the father... of one of my children," she responded.

His mind raced back to the only time he had been unfaithful. “Holy crap, are you that stripper from my bachelor party who was covered in whipped cream that I had sex with on the pool table?”

“Um, no, I'm your son's teacher."


Bob received a text from his next-door neighbor, John:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Outraged and betrayed, Bob grabbed his gun and promptly shot his wife.

Moments later, Bob got a second text from John:
"Darn auto-correct. Bob, that should have said  'wifi', not  'wife.' "

Golf Can Be Dangerous

A battered man walks into an emergency room. The doctor asks, “What happened?” "I was playing golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture. We went to look for it and I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. When I lifted its tail, there was my wife's ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"I pointed to it and yelled, 'Hey, honey—this one looks like yours!' "

At a marriage seminar for husbands, the Counselor asked Luigi, who was nearing his 50th wedding anniversary, how he had managed to stay married so long.

"Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend the money on her, but best thing is that I took her to Italy for our 20th anniversary."

The Couselor said, "Luigi, you are amazing. What are you doing for your 50th anniversary?"

 Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."

Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
"We'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship. He was a communications major and I majored in theater arts. He communicates meticulously and I act like I'm listening."


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them  that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
 'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment, then says, "Where's my toast?"


Brad met a woman.
After several dates the two went to dinner to talk about their relationship and where it was going.
"I have to warn you, I'm a golf nut," Brad said. "If that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, to tell you the truth, I'm a hooker," the woman said.

"I see,” Brad replied.
Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

An elderly wife had been flirting with her husband all night but he wasn’t feeling well. When it came time for bed, the wife went to the bathroom. When she came out, she opened her robe and revealed she was wearing a skin tight red-white-and-blue outfit showing cleavage.

The wife shouted, “Super Woman!”

The husband rubbed his head for a moment in thought. “I’ll take the soup."

On his 75th birthday, a man sought the help of a Native American medicine man for his erectile dysfunction. The medicine man gave him a potion, but instructed, “This is a powerful stuff. Take one teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life.”
“How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4.' When she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.” Eager to try it, he went home, took a spoonful of the medicine, and invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he said "1-2-3!”
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife began throwing off her clothes, then paused and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, my friends, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

A woman was trying to get ketchup to pour out of a bottle. She repeatedly rapped the bottle on the side. When the phone rang, she asked her six-year-old daughter to answer it.

She heard her daughter say, “Hello?”
“Oh, hello, minister.”
“I’m sorry. Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hittin’ the bottle.”

A manager was interviewing a man for a job. The manager was impressed with the man.
“You think fast and I like that. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?"
"They're all whores and hockey players there."
"My wife is from Minnesota," exclaimed the manager with a sharp stare.
The man replied, "Really? What team did she play for?"

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

A couple was getting on in years The husband decided to buy his wife a plot in the cemetery for her birthday. Well you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolled round again, and he didn't get her anything.
"Why didn't you get me a birthday present?" she asked.
"You didn't use what I got you last year." he said.


After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. ... Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
To which he responded: "I found the remote."


The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”


An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great.  How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
George replies, 'God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. 
A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife.
'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof!  The light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims.
'He's pissing in the fridge again!


A man is in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse", he mumbles, " Are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."
With great difficulty, the man pushes the oxygen mask aside, smiles at her, and says , "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very, very carefully... are - my - test - res - sults - back?"


A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Brad to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Brad loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"