Stories (Updated JAN-18)

Reunion Road Trip

While on the road to our reunion, a classmate and his wife stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the classmate's wife unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the classmate became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the wife got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, our classmate (the old geezer) yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my wallet and credit card."

 


 

The Vocabulary Challenge

The children were called upon in class to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher.

The teacher was surprised when Brad, a shy slow learner in the back, finally raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence which included the words “Defeat,” “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.”

The teacher hesitantly and with trepidation called on Brad to recite his sentence. 
Brad stood, thinking for a bit.  
All eyes focused on him, while his classmates awaited his sentence.

Then, smiling, Brad proudly shouted out, “DEFEAT of DEDUCT went over DEFENSE before DETAIL!!!”


 

Surely, I can't look that old!

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, 'Surely, I can't look that old!'   Well.... You'll love this one.
 
While sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist, I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50-odd years ago.  Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
 
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Montclair High School.

"Yes.  Yes, I did.  I'm a Mountie," he beamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1962.  Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!"  I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.  Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit SOB asked, "What did you teach?"


 

Montclair High School Class Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions over the last 20+ years without fail.

This anniversary of their class the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, the widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say "Yes" or did she say "No?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No?'"

"Why you silly man, I said, 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"


Children's Sermon

A  priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........ 

The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue. 


On the Beach
A self-Important college freshmen walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the sand why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one”, the student said loud enough for others to hear. “The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon.  We have nuclear energy, cell phones, computers with light speed, satellite TV… and much more.”

After a brief silence, the senior responded.

“You’re right, son.  We didn’t have any of those things when we were young… so we invented them!  Now, you arrogant little ****, what are you doing for the next generation?

The applause on the beach was amazing!


Visit from Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. 

"Ten dollars a pill," answered the son. 
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

 


The Doctor's Advice

A man goes to the Doctor, worried about his wife's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The man says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: -I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.

Two weeks later the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".


Sick Leave

Brad calls into work one day and says, “Hey, I can’t come to work today, I’m really sick.  Got a headache, a stomach ache and my legs hurt.  I can’t make it into work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Brad, I really need you today.  Usually when I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex.  That makes everything better and I can go to work.  You try that.”

Three hours later Brad calls his boss again.  “I did what you said and I feel great.  I’ll be at work real soon…  By the way, you have a nice house.”


Two Elderly Ladies

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? "

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."


Who says men don’t remember.

A couple was Christmas shopping.  The mall was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask where he was.

In a quiet voice he said: “Do you remember the jewelers we went to about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace we couldn’t afford, and I told you that one day I would get it for you?”

The wife choked up and started to cry. She said, “Yes, I remember the shop well.”

He replied, “Well, I’m in the pub next door!”


 

Ding, Dong

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


Ouch

Young brothers Jeff and Brad were sitting outside a clinic.
Jeff was crying very loudly. “Why are you crying?” Brad asked.
“I came here for a blood test,” Jeff said.
“So? Are you afraid?”
“No,” Jeff sniffled, “but for the blood test, they cut my finger,”
At this, Brad started crying profusely.
“Why are you crying now?” Jeff asked.
Brad said, “I came for a urine test!”


Politicians

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.


Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
 


The Teacher

A man was in line at the grocery store when a blonde woman behind him smiled.

Although familiar, he couldn't place her. “Sorry, do you know me?” he asked.

“I think you may be the father... of one of my children," she responded.

His mind raced back to the only time he had been unfaithful. “Holy crap, are you that stripper from my bachelor party who was covered in whipped cream that I had sex with on the pool table?”

“Um, no, I'm your son's teacher."


Auto-Correct

Bob received a text from his next-door neighbor, John:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Outraged and betrayed, Bob grabbed his gun and promptly shot his wife.

Moments later, Bob got a second text from John:
"Darn auto-correct. Bob, that should have said  'wifi', not  'wife.' "


Golf Can Be Dangerous

A battered man walks into an emergency room. The doctor asks, “What happened?” "I was playing golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture. We went to look for it and I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. When I lifted its tail, there was my wife's ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"I pointed to it and yelled, 'Hey, honey—this one looks like yours!' "


At a marriage seminar for husbands, the Counselor asked Luigi, who was nearing his 50th wedding anniversary, how he had managed to stay married so long.

"Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend the money on her, but best thing is that I took her to Italy for our 20th anniversary."

The Couselor said, "Luigi, you are amazing. What are you doing for your 50th anniversary?"

 Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."


Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
"We'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship. He was a communications major and I majored in theater arts. He communicates meticulously and I act like I'm listening."


 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them  that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
 'Sure.'
 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
 'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, then says,
    'Where's my toast?
'