Oh No! (Updated JAN-18)


An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He then built this wife a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide.

The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred and why the last teepee was so different.

Many tried, unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

 

 

 


A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."

 


 

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 


 

The Friars and the Belfry

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Hugh terrified the Friars and  they closed the shop - thereby proving :
That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


 

 

 

Found an old quiz from my 11th grade biology class.  Don't know why the teacher was so upset, I thought my answers were pretty good.  Maybe it was the fumes from the mimeograph paper?!

 

 

 
   

F!      

See Me After Class!  

BIOLOGY TERMS QUIZ

 

 

    ARTERY ………………………………………………….. The study of fine paintings

    BARIUM …………………………………………………. What you do when CPR fails

    BENIGN …………………………………………………. What you be after you be eight

    COMA ………………………………………….…………. A punctuation mark

    DILATE …………………………………………………… Live longer

    FESTER …………………………………….…………… Quicker

    MORBID …………………………………………………. A higher offer

    NITRATE …………………………………………………. Lower than the day rate

    NODE ……………………………………………………… Was aware of

    OUTPATIENT …………………………………………… A person who has fainted

    SECRETION ……………………………………………… Hiding something

    SEROLOGY ………………………………………………. The study of English Knighthood

    TUMOR …………………………………………………… An extra pair

    URINE ……………………………………………………… Opposite of you’re out

 
 
 

 


FOR THE INTELLECTUALS OF THE CLASS:

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

 

A Roman Gladiator walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Another Gladiator walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”


 

Have you ever thought about the range of words which have a Grecian root? There are lots of such words in mathematics, like "geometry".

Some of these words have an interesting derivation. A contemporary of Pythagoras was watching a parrot playing with some twigs, once upon a time. Although birds often play with twigs and leaves and branches, this parrot, to the mathematician's amazement, actually arranged the pieces of wood into some sort of a pattern. Then, unfortunately, the bird keeled over, dead.

The mathematician was so moved that he named the shape, "Dead parrot" although -- of course -- he said it in Greek.

Which is why we call that shape a polygon.


 

 
A Dog Named Mace    
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.

One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.

When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

 

A jumper cable walks into a bar. 
The bartender says, " I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.  
He says, " A beer please and one for the road."

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.




 



As migration time approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were holding two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."



 

 


 


A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Im sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."

A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."

When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."